The Style Invitational Week 933 Stories that count (to
56)
By Pat Myers, Published: August 18 | Updated: Friday,
August 19, 8:00 AM
Call me Ishmael, inasmuch as I represent
man’s eternal state of alienation. My boss, Ahab — bang!
crash! aughh! — is battling to the death an implacable foe, inasmuch as he
represents man’s powerlessness against nature and fear of confronting his inner
demons — namely, that he’s secretly a vampire, inasmuch as we have to sell
books. Suck. Die.
This week we “honor” the
annual 55 Fiction contest sponsored by New Times magazine — for stories of 55
words or fewer — with our own version, cleverly distinguished by a vastly
different number of words and a couple of other requirements. This week: Write
a humorous story in exactly 56 words, as in the example above by Style
Invitational Literary Flunky Gene Weingarten; two words joined by a hyphen
count as two words. You can add a title; it won’t count toward the 56 words. It
doesn’t have to be fiction, but it has to tell some sort of story (though as
you can see from the example, this might be loosely interpreted; actually,
don’t turn this into a contest to sum up a well-known work of literature in 56
words). This contest was suggested by Ted Weitzman, a veteran Loser who used to
be credited as Paul Styrene, back before we had the no-pseudonyms rule.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives this excellent and
obviously appropriate little metal sign, discourtesy of Loser Nan Reiner. It’s
about the size of a light switchplate.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 29; results
published Sept. 18 (Sept. 16 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per
week. Include “Week 933” in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as
spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.
The revised title for next week’s results is by Kevin Dopart; the
honorable-mentions subhead is by Gary Crockett.
Report from Week 929: Just sit right back in which we asked you to write a song that told
about a TV show, much as the “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch” themes
do. Click on the title of the
original song being parodied to listen to the tune.
The winner of the Inker
“Kate Plus 8”
(sung
to the “Brady Bunch” theme)
Here’s the story of a girl
named Katie,
Who was poor and living in a
trailer park.
All she wanted in her life
was to be wealthy;
On this she would embark.
It’s the story of a man so
shady
He would happily exploit his
kids and wife.
These two kindred spirits met
and formed a couple,
And so began their life.
They went out and got a
multiple conception,
And resolved to get some
bucks for their big bang,
So they whelped and then they
hawked their cute sextuplets:
That’s the way they all
became the Gosselin Gang. (The Gosselin Gang, the Gosselin Gang . . . )
But this fouled-up family
couldn’t last forever:
Jon was restless, and his
wife was quite the shrew.
When she caught him in the
sack with other women,
The Gosselin Gang was
through.
But the lady wasn’t gonna
give up easy.
On the gravy train she’d
labored to create.
She convinced the TV folks to
keep it going:
That’s the way they turned it
into “Kate Plus Eight.”
(Nan
Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
2. Winner of the Lunch Bugs
sandwich bags with theft-deterring bugs on them:
A PBS Evening (to “Wonderful
World” (“Don’t know much about history . . . ”)
The invasion of Normandy;
Specials on seismology;
Shows to help you make a
greener house;
A
performance of “Die Fledermaus.”
No one else has the shows we
do,
Yeah, but first we want to
hear from you,
So we need you to pick up the
phone.
It’s not easy here at PBS;
Ledger sheets are an awful
mess.
Big-name sponsors are cutting
back;
It’s been tough to stay in
the black.
So the way we keep the lights
turned on
Is a nonstop cajole-athon,
And we need you to pick up
the phone.
Well, pledge campaigns
instead of commercials
Seemed an even trade,
But lately we’re holding them
24-7,
Just to see the bills are
paid. . .
You can see we’re not getting
rich;
Viewers hate our
bait-and-switch.
You just want the shows we
said we’d air –
Moving coffee mugs will get
us there.
If you deadbeats don’t send
the dough,
Cookie Monster has to be let
go,
So we need you to pick up the
phone.
(Brendan
Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
3. “CSI” (to “Mister Rogers’
Neighborhood”)
It’s a beautiful day for an
autopsy!
Let’s cut this guy open so we
can see
His intestines
. . . and his liver.
Then let’s open his stomach,
what do you say?
To see what he had with that
chardonnay.
Would you hand me . . . that skull chisel?
I have always wanted to take
a closer look inside,
To roll my sleeves up, dig
right in, and find out how they died.
So I’ll pick up a scalpel,
and you will too,
We’ll damn the torpedoes and
rip right through.
Would you hand me . . . his left kidney?
Let’s just cut him open.
(Jeff
Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
4. “Toddlers and Tiaras” (to
the “Mary Tyler Moore” theme)
They can turn the world on
with their smiles.
(Maybe not the whole wide
world, but certainly turn on the pedophiles.)
With their makeup and fancy
dresses
We know that they’re wearing
diapers and making messes.
Toddlers and tiaras! Temper
tantrums!
Phony teeth and hair! The
crazy-rant moms!
Babies are told to shake
their butts.
Their mothers clearly must be
nuts.
(Kathy
Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)
The themey underside: Honorable mentions
Any Weather Channel show (to
“Stormy Weather” ; start at 0:28)
My oh my, trouble’s brewing
in the sky – stormy weather
We’ll draw you right in with
a tether
Of bad news
all the time.
Ratings soar if flood water’s
at the door – stormy weather
We shun the nice days
altogether
And scare you all the time.
Feel a strong wind blow?
Perhaps a twister’s perking.
See a flake of snow? Maybe a blizzard’s
working.
Did Jim Cantore show? Then
catastrophe is lurking!
Run for the hills once more.
Check us out,
soon you’ll hear our warning shout – STORMY WEATHER!
So let’s fret and worry
together.
It’s bad news all the time.
(Barry
Koch, Catlett, Va.)
“Piers Morgan Tonight” (to
“Tonight” from “West Side Story”; start at 0:58)
Now here’s a thing:
We fired Larry King,
And flew
across the pond to get Piers.
We hoped he would
Be great (at least be good),
But we’ve got the worst
ratings in years.
His weasel-like
interrogations
And witless conversations
Are nothing but a blight.
Turn out the light,
And get this loser out of our
sight!
Tonight!
(Stephen Gold, Glasgow,
Scotland)
“60 Minutes” (to “The Twelfth
of Never”)
You ask how long one hour is;
I’ll make it clear:
Enough time for Mike Wallace
to wreck a man’s career.
And Morley Safer brings us an
exposé —
One hour is “60 Minutes,” and
there’ll be hell to pay.
Frauds laid
bare! Despots put to shame!
Please stay tuned, following
the football game.
Now here’s a TV preacher
turned out as fake,
And
undercover footage of cops on the take.
Some guys will go to jail for
their heinous crime,
And not for
60 minutes, but for a long, long time.
(Brendan Beary)
“Monk” (to “ABC” by the
Jackson 5)
He uses ways to solve crimes
That you’ve never, never seen
before,
Like holding his hands in
front of his face
And then
squinting at the floor.
Now, now, now, he sees the
details (details, details)
You’ll never see-e.
“Listen to this detective,
please:
He’s an ace, you see, because
he’s got a disease.”
OCD, focus on symmetry.
His place is clean as can be,
OMG, OCD, It is plain to see!
OCD. Has to touch every tree.
But tell me, what’s that you
see?
OMG! OCD—Criminals will flee!
(Matt
Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
“Dragnet” (to “If I Only Had
a Brain”)
Every day’s a coat-and-tie
day
For Sergeant Joseph Friday,
In pressed and pleated
slacks.
He’s the model for cop
fitness
As he canvasses each witness
To acquire
“just the facts.”
He will listen to each story,
Most boring, but some gory,
And never grind an ax.
With the innocent protected
You will hear these words
inflected:
“Ma’am, we only need the
facts.”
L.A. should be this way.
This mythical PD
Is not
known for Rodney King brutality.
But for his
clipped … delivery.
Joe will never be relentin’.
He’ll send ’em to San
Quentin,
So victims can relax.
By the book he nails each
scummy
Little crook so
dumb-dee-dummy
With his
web of “just the facts.”
(Randy Lee, doing volunteer
work in Kibwezi, Kenya)
Two set to the “Mickey Mouse
Club” theme:
1. “House”
Who’s the snarky know-it-all
we watch on Fox TV?
D-O-C-T-O-R
H-O-U-S-E.
Who never shaves and breaks
the rules with regularity?
D-O-C-T-O-R
H-O-U-S-E.
Dr. House, Dr. House,
He’s hooked on drugs, and
that’s why he gets high! High! High! High!
Still, we really love him
‘cause he’s sexy as can be;
D-O-C. . . (See
you in the ER!)
T-O-R
. . .Are you free on Friday night?)
H-O-U-S-E.
(Beverley
Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
2. “The Sean Hannity Show”
Who’s the reader of the news
who makes the pundits sigh?
S-E-A, N-H-A, N-N-I-T-Y!
Who’s so fair and balanced
you can’t tip him if you try?
S-E-A, N-H-A, N-N-I-T-Y!
Hannity, Hannity,
He’s never wrong because he’s
always right! (Right! Right!! Right!!!)
He’ll turn off your
microphone and leave you high and dry,
S-E-A, (A
class act?)
N-H-A,
(More like class warfare!)
N-N-I-T-Y!
(Joe Neff,
Warrington, Pa.)
Obama at His Press Conference
(to “I Gotta Feeling”; start at 0:27)
I got a ceiling, and the
Right’s gonna make a big fight,
Grover Norquist won’t give
’em the green light,
He says taxes on rich folks
are out of sight.
I got a ceiling, and when Fox
replays each Boehner sound bite,
It gives all the world’s
markets a big fright,
A bad dream of default on a
midsummer’s night. . . .
[skip
to 3:15] Dump that Tea cup, you’ve had enough;
Now, Mr. Speaker, just ante
up!
Don’t kick the can on down
the road —
Just raise the “roof”
And then we’ll do it again.
Let’s do it, let’s do it,
let’s do it . . .
(Dave
Zarrow, Reston, Va.)
“Gilligan’s Island” (to the
“Brady Bunch” theme)
It’s a story, but you won’t
believe it
Of some castaways upon a
desert shore;
Not a one of them has libido,
They never try to score.
You keep waiting for some
slap and tickle,
But they sleep in
gender-segregated huts.
After seven years with hot
young women
Are these guys gay, or nuts?
While the
nation’s boys ask, “Mary Anne or Ginger?”
The Professor works his
coconuts, the fool
And the Skipper and his pal
fare no better
It is clear that they are all
asexu-ool.
Asexu-ool, asexu-ool,
Yes I fear,
they are all asexu-ool. (Jeff Brechlin)
The various “Real Housewives”
(to “Carolina in the Morning”)
Nothing could be dumber than
to spend your time this summer
Watching “Housewives”;
Washington or N.Y.C., really
bad reality is “Housewives.”
Buncha ditsy women carry on
with pals;
This show is no persimmon —
these wives are boring gals.
Paying close attention to
each little thing they mention
Is a no-no;
Caring what they do or think
just means that you’ve begun to sink
So low.
If, in spite of all I’ve
said, you’re still gonna watch,
I’ll hafta rate your brain
down a notch,
’Cause nothing could be
stupider than watching it, by Jupiter,
“Real Housewives”! (Mae
Scanlan, Washington)
Next week: How dare we, or The Huffiness Post
It takes so long to read and
appreciate song parodies that we have too many good ones that wouldn’t get
their due at the bottom of the list. So more TV theme songs
will run in future weeks as “bonus tracks” in the online Invitational.